Peace in Turmoil

I love the act of reflection. Looking back upon moments that have passed, and remembering every detail suspended in that space is a true pleasure that I indulge in often. I’ve been told that I hang onto things and live in the past, and there was a time in my life where I was ashamed that people thought of me that way. Now, I’ve embraced this about myself, and care not what others think about it. 2020 was a year where holding on to the past, revisiting moments and reflecting upon the good times, was one of the only things that kept me going. And I realize that many others around me were instead looking forward to the future, hoping that their saving grace would come. I realized, that mine had already come and it conveniently resided inside of me, bringing peace and joy in an otherwise hollow shell.

Are things perfect now, absolutely not. Were things perfect then, no. But I have been able to find joy when everything around me tried to convince me that there was none that could be found; so, I think that in the grand scheme of things, I’m doing alright. So many in this world are hurting, but it’s always been this way… we just finally all have one thing in common that we can attribute our grief to. And it isn’t just grief, it’s the uncertainty of the future, of our standing as a society etc. And I’m not trying to minimize that at all, because we are all dealing with something, but the truth of the matter is that this stuff has been going on. Now that it’s one a larger scale, people are able to relate to one another more… because they choose to. They’re okay with bonding through their grief I suppose.

I don’t want to go into all of my thoughts on the matter. I simply wanted to say that if you find some glimmer of hope, of joy or of peace in something during these tumultuous times, even something as easy as looking to the past, then take the time to indulge and don’t be ashamed of it. As long as it’s not hurting anybody or anything, find your saving grace.

This Is Magic

I remember writing this piece almost a year ago as I reflected upon emotions that I had memories of. It was nice to look back, and exciting to also be able to look forward to feeling this way about someone once more. There is beauty in expression, and beauty in love, so when the two come together magic happens; and in those moments, we are blessed with the musings of an artist who is caught up in the whirlwind that is love and the desire to express exactly how they feel. This is magic. 💫🌌💫

The stars don’t seem as bright anymore, now that I know the glow of your smile.

The one that you give when I need it most,

Through every test and every trial.

The sun no longer seems as hot, after the warmth of your embrace.

When you wrap yourself around my heart, filling every inch of space.

Water no longer quenches my thirst, when your presence is all I crave.

There are no rivers, no streams, no oceans that I wouldn’t cross

Because to your love, I’m enslaved.

Break Away

Who are you to decide whether I laugh or cry?

Whether I live in your love, or die

in deprivation?

Who are you to put a smile on my face, or anguish in my heart?

Who on Earth gave you permission to tear my world apart?

My attempts to push you away from my sacred place are marred,

By your half-assed attempts to healing my scars.

Scars that you caused with your hot and cold disposition,

You can hear the cracking of my resolve, if only you’d listen.

Listen not only with the intent to conciliate,

But with the intent to to repent,

And to truly set things straight.

Eyes that see my pain but smile nevertheless indicate that you’re vain.

And unfortunately, vanity has always drawn me.

This is a cycle that only I can break,

But allowing you to return, I’ve made the same mistakes.

One day…

Somehow…

Eventually,

I’ll break away.

Inside Out ○ Outside In ○

Not everything is Black & White, sometimes you have to adjust your view from the inside out, and instead survey from the outside in to get the clarity you seek.

Many thanks to Jesse for his wonderful contribution of “Outside In.” I truly appreciate this companion piece to Inside Out! More of his musings can be found on https://jesterbuttontherapy.net/

INSIDE OUT

All change ain’t good change, and boy have you changed

From the inside out you’ve transformed,

Not much remained the same.

Sure you still look good, you’ve kept yourself up…

But some of your inner beauty has faded, could it be because you lie so much?

Could the change have come about because your principles and morals have gone bad?

Because you’ve cast away the good memories, the good times that you’ve had?

Because I’ve noticed that you focus on the negative, spinning narratives into a new light.

A new light that turns things darker rather than highlighting the bright.

The pessimism doesn’t help to brighten up your smile.

The old one that I truly loved, I haven’t seen it in a while.

This new one exposes jagged teeth and a crooked tongue that flickers when you lie.

Stupid things you wouldn’t need to say, it always leaves me wondering why.

Why do you feel the need to lie to someone who loves you so?

I say loves, not loved because my love for you would never go.

Not away at least

It’s tried to stray, for peace

To get away from the beast you’ve become.

But I know who you really are

I know that change comes again, and that you’re transformation isn’t done.

I’m holding out hope that this next change reminds you of who you are,

And that this transformation is beautification and doesn’t leave any scars.

All change ain’t good change, and boy have you changed, but then again so have I.

OUTSIDE IN

i used to think washing clothes from the outside in – would be the sure way to win?

if threads can be exposed from the inside – the crush of the waves would forgive the sin. 

at this exact moment it’s hard to know when to play with wrong or right.

we can both take the courage to board this complex flight.

but by then – how could your memory ever forget or know when to remember?

there’s been a disgrace at the surface – 

all knots have not been tied by the end.

which ways we fold – creates a fairytale or mystery untold.

when the message came through in a dream, i denied ever living a life full of lies.

eventually, the separated waves birth a crush and brush – these jewels professed such lush!

the magic of this shine – inspired me to reflect this fiery light.

this was only right –

to turn outside right from the inside out –

it fully occurred to me, the duty of the wind blew me

into its invisible but real state.

this is a revolutionized change which bakes the cake without a signature model or make.

as the truth of this emotion comes around with verifying reflection 

times window makes known the view from

the outside in, which comes from within.

Madness in the Melodies

Sometimes I pretend that I’m listening to a song that nobody else but the artist knows. It becomes a secret in my heart, a hidden messages in the lyrics only able to be decoded by me. It just makes the song super special. I don’t care that it’s a well known or popular song. It could be the biggest hit in the world and I still would not care.

In my mind, every note was delivered with the intention of connecting with me & bringing me the emotions that I associate with the song itself. Is this selfish? It may be, but that’s not something that I worry about whilst getting lost in the melodies that describe the wonders and intricacies of human emotion.

Use Me

Gift me your love by allowing me to sit with you amid your creativity,

While you spin webs of intricate design from both your lips & the tip

Of fingers that flow gracefully,

I want to be a part of your conjuring.

Your own brand of magic, real, no illusions… I want to bear witness.

I want you to wrap me in the cloak of your embrace,

So that I truly feel the love that you’re giving.

As long as you give willingly, I am content in this space, surreptitious in nature.

Known only between you and I.

A secret we whispered between open thighs

Both yours and mine.

I long to give, just as you do.

Desire has turned me into your fool,

And I am happy to be of service.